I want you, I want you so bad.

Red shoes are sex personified. Trashy sex and a little bit of danger (not always the funnest mixture I'd imagine but you get the picture.)

They say "Yeah, check me out, bitch, you know you wanna get all up in my shoe bidness."

Fo' sho'.

These ones say, "Buy me. Buy me now or we'll walk out of here in the night, hunt you down and dance all over you until you die from it."

I say, "Back off bitches, you're from French Connection and you cost one hundred British pounds. Not only do I have no British pounds, I'm also saving all my clams for New York in January, where it's likely I'll find a pair of your sluttier cousins for half the price. Also, if I take you home now, all my other shoes will look crap and I'll want you all the time. It'll be like taking a lover - a sexy, red leather lover, and that rarely ends well.

I don't know what is about shoes that makes me talk like that. They're the sexy blonde lady to my Gordon Ramsay.

Calling in 'gay'

I love this idea, a few US same-sex marriage supporters are urging people to "call in gay" on Wednesday to show how much the country relies on gays and lesbians.

Organisers of "Day Without a Gay" — scheduled to coincide with International Human Rights Day and modeled after similar work stoppages by Latino immigrants — also are encouraging people to perform volunteer work and refrain from spending money.

I wish I was gay, maybe I could call in 'supportive', although the plan's a little counterproductive, maybe, considering the delicate state of the economy;

"Hello?"
"Hi, it's me. I won't be in today, I'm making a stand, I'm calling in gay."
"Fair enough then, you're fired."
"But..."
Beeeeeeeeep.

But effective nonetheless if you have a very relaxed boss or an outspoken human resources manager. If I could find a hair-colour related cause I'm passionate enough about I might call in 'blonde'. If only someone could discriminate against me.
Or maybe we could call in 'female' in support of women's rights, but that really would be the final straw for the economy. ;)

Flouting the bacon ban, in style.

As a rule, I don't eat anything I have to shave first.
But thanks again B3ta and bakedchefs.com for the macabre instructional.

(The skeleton head is particularly impressive.)

Top marks

Another winner from a menswear store... the Topman Top Hat, €31. Christmas is always an excuse to go a bit fancy dress with your outfit and you can be guaranteed you'll pull this one out year after year.

Plus, it's designed for a man, so it should fit my extra large head, yays all 'round!

Get lippy

A bit of sparkle is always welcome on a dreary Monday... step forward the Lips Clamp Cuff, €26, Freedom at Topshop. A little pricey, yes, but at what price happiness?

Bag lady

Hideously impractical (How do you carry one through a night's boozing without losing it?) and generally too small to fit all the usual junk I carry around in my bag, clutch bags are all over the place at the moment. I'm not a big fan, but this one caught my eye. I think it's the lovely yellowy yellowness of it, Jasper Conran, you devil.

A gem of a bargain

Every time I go shopping I inevitably bring home more costume jewellery. It's an addiction, I can't help it, the stuff is bursting out of every drawer in the house. I might only ever wear it once, but I like to keep it, just in case. Because I usually only wear it once, I prefer to spend as little as possible on passing fads. The latest one is the gemstone fad, fun for Christmas, but not much use afterwards. Dorothy Perkins currently has a blue stone stretch bracelet for €11. I had a snoop around and found something super similar for €3 in... you guessed it... Penney's!

Nine euro saved = free cigarettes for me.

Yay!

Dorothy Perkins' Blue Stone stretch bracelet
Penney's version, €3

Calm it, Kermit

Okay, so we're in a recession. People are losing their jobs (a friend of mine is awaiting news on redundancy right this minute) and the shit is hitting the fan as far as the economy is concerned. But this morning's Trendwatcher report said exactly what we should all be thinking, once you get over the initial anger and resentment, this might not be as bad as it seems. If you've been sitting at a desk in a windowless office for the last ten years, now might be a good time to turn it up a notch, take a risk and start thinking about ways to start that business you've been thinking about since you left college.
"This is a great moment to innovate: shrinking budgets and diminishing revenues from existing offerings normally bring out the best and most creative in business professionals. But the most important side effect of more austere times is probably that consumers start questioning what truly makes them happy, which more often than not steers them towards the realization that happiness ain’t (just) about traditional consumption. Expect pockets of consumers to switch to lower-consumption models with surprising ease, and to look for different and less costly sources of happiness and thus, ultimately, status."

In fairness, most of us were drinking Aldi wine long before the 'r' word hit the headlines so it's not going to represent a giant drop in standards of living- maybe we could learn to get by on three bottles a week instead of 12. Need some extra cash to get you by? Sell your car, walk to work, make your own coffee (it's nicer anyway), turn down the heating and put on a jumper, make soup and freeze it for lunches, cancel Sky and read books instead for a few months (you'll still have Corrie and Desperate Housewives!).

TW's umbrella brand for 2009? "Happy ending"
And who doesn't want one of those?

M.A.C attack

There are few things more satisfying than dipping a new paintbrush into a fresh pot of paint. Fully aware of how corny this is sounding, I'm going to press on anyway... I get the make-up equivalent of this delicious feeling each time M.A.C release a new collection. Their colours tend to be deeper, so much more considered, thicker and more unctuous. Proper playthings in plump little pots. Faced with a rainbow of incredible options, you can't help but wonder if violet eye shadow with a sparkling glitter glaze is the way forward. It might be, if you're a tranny attending a fancy dress party (or wearing it around the house dressed in your pyjamas like I do), but if you must live in the real world, there's plenty of office-friendly shades that can be easily jazzed up with shimmer and shine after close of business.

Footloose and debt-free

Okay, so the Gucci Babouska studded open-toes might be beautiful (they look better on than they do in pictures). They might have antique brass hardware and a horsebit ring buckle, but they also have an eye-watering €795 price tag. Step forward Penney's, with their studded gladiator sandal - sporting no less than two buckles, which I prefer. The price? €18 my friend, €18.

You're only going to get drunk and destroy them in some nasty nightclub anyway... with the spare €777 you could destroy them in a nasty nightclub in the Côte d’Azur.

Gucci Babouska studded sandals €795


Studded gladiator sandal, €18, Penney's