Pedestrian footnotes

I'm a big fan of Mary T's blog (Caution... Woman at Work). Her hilarious stories about being a busy mum of two are, without doubt, the most powerful contraceptives available online.
Today, I volunteered to be interviewed, now it's my turn... volunteer yourself to go next in a comment box!

1) What is your most memorable fashion disaster?

"I'd erased it from my mind until now, but you asked, so... this is so fucking traumatic... here goes... I was in third year in secondary school and attending a fourth-year fashion show. All the cool people were there. I was wearing my usual skin-tight flares - huge at the bottom, super small up top. I'd been obsessed with getting the jeans as tight as humanly possible without removing a few organs for months and had finally found what I felt were the piece de resistance. I had to lie flat on the bed to get them on, but once I didn't breathe out, they were perfect.
After the first half of the fashion show we left the gym to have a sneaky fag. On the way back in, I took two steps at once. There was a sickening 'riiiiiipping' noise. I knew immediately what it was... the winter breeze on the bare cheeks of my arse was another clue.
My friend, being 15, had almost certainly wet herself with laughter by now but between squeals, managed to give me her coat, which I tied around my waist. I frantically plotted a route to the nearest toilet cubicle to assess the damage - to my jeans and to my life. With said "friend" having uncontrollable giggling fits, we got to the nearest loos with nobody noticing. The mirror revealed that the jeans had ripped spectacularly - from the crotch, right up the back to the waistband. The only saving grace was that I had chosen to wear knickers that day. I couldn't think straight, so "friend" said she'd go and get a needle and thread from the Home Ec room. Ten minutes later, and with me near tears in a toilet cubicle, she arrived back. With the Home Ec teacher and at least ten people she'd invited along the way. The Home Ec teacher, a rather butch lesbian, demanded I take off the jeans and hand them over the door.
Wincing in mortification I took them off and stood in my knickers for 30 minutes while she stitched them in front of the assembled audience. By the next morning, word had spread like wildfire across the school and the story had grown enormous legs. One version was that I'd been knickerless. Another was that it had happened on the catwalk. This is the first time I've relived that episode. And the last.

2) You read in Vogue that Shell Suits are making a come back and are going to be big for autumn / winter. Attached to the article is a picture of Agyness Deyn wearing one. What do you write in your blog about this?

"Model exposed as simpleton, world indifferent."

3) Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty invite you out for a quiet drink. You have a very important job interterview at 9:00am the following morning. Do you accept their invitation?

"Of course. I'd politely decline the crack though and if either of them wanted to touch me, which they inevitably would, they'd have to wash their hands first."

4) A good friend is in desperate need of a makeover but doesn't know it. How do you address this problem?

"This is a tricky one. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so it's generally best to delete them from your social networking friends lists and change your number post haste. If, in time, they correct the problem, simply reintroduce yourself as if you've never met. Crisis averted."

5) Your airline loses your luggage on your outbound journey and offer you £100 to get what you need until they find it. What do you buy?

"I always bring my make-up in my carry-on luggage along with cigarettes and a box of matches (if I have seconds left to live an oxygen mask is not going to cut it, plus you never know when you might need something to offer a terrorist in exchange for your life.) £100 is quite generous of them actually, I'll fly with them again. My list would include the following:

Grey tights or knee socks, depending on the climate
A long T-shirt
A huge scarf
An oversized cardigan
Pairs of knickers (3)
Cigarettes (200)
Bottle of wine (1-2)